I Watched My Dad Die

It has changed me forever

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

Have you ever seen someone die in person? Before June 25th, I never had. Witnessing it changed everything for me. Emotionally. Philosophically. Spiritually.

Before diving into those changes, let’s focus on death itself. Specifically, my dad’s death.

I never dwelled on death before

Now I do. In my early thirties, I knew death was inevitable, but it seemed far off. Not visible beyond the horizon. There was an infinite feeling to life.

Then my dad died this year at age 65. When he was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer about two years ago, the prospect of death hit me like a sucker punch. It was the first time someone very close to me stared death directly in the face.

It was also a stark realization that I — at age 35 — may already be past the halfway point of life. I guess I had always assumed I might be like my grandpa and live into my nineties. But few of us are so fortunate.

How would I feel if I was about to die? What would I do if I had two years (or less) of life left? These were questions I had never asked myself before my dad’s diagnosis.

What happens after death? Will I have done everything I wanted by the time I die? These were questions I asked when my dad passed away.

It’s different when you know death is coming

My dad had time to prepare. Not everyone does. He was able to choose how he spent his final years.

Granted, most of the past two years were consumed by chemotherapy, doctor’s visits, and pain. Lots of pain, especially towards the end.

It’s devastating to watch someone you love only able to eat pain medication. He couldn’t digest food or drink water as the cancer had spread into his stomach. By the end, his poor body was a bloated sack of bones.

Dying this way is arguably more brutal than dying quickly. If there’s one thing modern medicine can do, it’s keep people alive long beyond their time. The quality of that life though is questionable.

One thing I will always admire about my dad, however, is that he constantly fought for life. Even when…